Some questions from a 20yo in the UK who is thinking about getting into kink…

Hey I read some of your posts off your website and I have a question, how do you know that you actually enjoy a bit of SM fun, and that it isn’t just fantasy won’t match up to the reality of it happening?

Plus how do you take the plunge and just do it?

Really good questions. Reality is always different to fantasy. And that’s actually a good thing. There are some things that should remain a fantasy. Sometimes for practical reasons (where the hell can you find a hot centaur?), sometimes for safety reasons (maybe shoving that cactus up your ass won’t feel as good as you imagine?) and sometimes for emotional reasons (maybe I should remain faithful to my partner rather than getting gang-banged by the local football team?).

So fantasy is awesome. Enjoy it and don’t feel a need to make it real. If you do act on a fantasy it will be different to what you imagine. Not necessarily better or worse but certainly different.

For many people into BDSM, myself included, part of the thrill is trying new things and finding out what the reality is like. I like to experiment and see how things feel.

Sometimes the thrill is finding things you love that you’d never expect. Mummification is one area where the reality is often very different to the fantasy – boys describe feeling so warm and safe that they often drift off to sleep.

So my advice is start slow. Explore things but don’t feel you have to try everything at once. Find people to play with that you trust. Tell them you’re a beginner.

Also focus on the ethos you want. Are you interested in the gear or the acts themselves? Is being degraded verbally hot or annoying? It’s really important to understand the vibe you want to experience as much as the acts themselves.

 Can you answer me one more question please, how do you find someone you trust enough to tie you up? I know feeling vulnerable part of the thrill but is there anyway to make it a tad safer.

There are a few ways to make things safer. Once you start playing with a few people then you can rely on word of mouth. Masters and subs can advise you on who the safe and sound masters are in your area.

It’s normally safer to play at their house but use techniques like telling a trusted friend where you are going and when you can expect to be home. SMS helps for this.

Don’t be afraid to talk and ask questions. Agree limits and a safeword. Ask if you can talk to other subs they have played with. A good BDSM master won’t mind sharing this detail with you.

Agree to meet in a public place if you prefer or agree to meet them for a chat.

Make it clear if you’re a beginner – they will respect you telling them and make sure they tailor the experience to you.

However there is an X factor that comes into play here. If you find yourself talking with someone and you aren’t getting a good vibe – then get the hell out of there. If something doesn’t seem right or safe then it probably isn’t. Trust your gut instinct and don’t let your cock sway you from your impressions. If you aren’t getting a good impression or feeling – get out of there – now. Be polite. Say you aren’t feeling well. Whatever excuse works.

In terms of where to meet people, try Recon or other dating sites. Don’t be afraid to talk for a while before meeting.

There are some scary people out there. I know subs who have been hospitalised after sessions where a master ignored the safeword. Take every precaution to avoid those sick individuals who need to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.