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Sexy Souvineers

I enjoy travel. I’m fortunate enough to be able to take three or four overseas trips each year. I’m sure that doesn’t sound like many to someone who lives in Europe or Asia but when you consider that from Melbourne it is fourteen hours to Los Angeles, nine hours to Singapore and about 24 hours to Europe it’s a bit of an achievement.
 
I’m writing this after a two hour flight from London to Berlin – which is an incredibly short flight time for an Australian. When you fly from Melbourne to Europe it takes nearly five hours before you pass over the Australian coast line and head out over the Indian Ocean. I hope everyone in Europe appreciates how easy they have it! And if I hear one more American complaining how long it takes to fly over the Atlantic to Europe then I’m prepared to use my paddle and flogger in anger. 
 
When I started traveling as a teenager I made all the standard tacky souvineer mistakes. Miniature Eiffel Tower, London Underground tea towel, Mickey Mouse toy, etc. They are fun to buy but don’t really have any practical purpose. 
 
These days I buy sex toys. 
 
They really are a damn sight more practical than most souvenirs. 
It’s fun to visit Leatherman in New York and have something custom made, fitted or altered while you wait. Visiting Rob in London and selecting some rubber gear. Picking out slings at Sling King in Berlin to have them posted home. Buying hand carved stone and wooden implements in Cambodia. 
 
I generally have the big stuff shipped home. Often if you pick it out and pay for it in the store and then have it shipped home then they don’t need to charge you tax (as it is being exported). The tax saving is often more than the postage – and you get that thrill of opening up a package when you get home.  And I love inspecting packages – even when I know what’s in them. 
 
Of course sometimes when I purchase things overseas I carry them with me – generally in my checked baggage. I’ve learnt that it’s best to leave the sex toys right on the top of the case so that when they open up your baggage for security inspections they can check it straight away. 
 
I’m told that rubber and latex sex toys have very similar characteristics under X-rays to plastic explosives – both are organic compounds. Some of the long metal dildos I purchase look similar to pipe bombs. So if you carry these – expect to have your bags searched. 
 
I’ve lost tracks of the number of times when traveling in America that I’ll find a card on top of my clothes in my bag that informs me that the TSA has inspected my luggage.  Trust me – it’s easier to leave the toy right on top of the things in your bag rather than making them search for it. 
 
Of course the Internet means that anything I buy overseas I probably could have ordered online instead. However, it really is much more fun to pick it out myself. Especially when choosing a sling worth three or four hundred euros it’s worth seeing it first. 
 
So select some sexy souvenirs and remember your past holidays as you wear, insert or lubricate your purchases.