I was talking to someone on Gaydar six days ago who had a promising profile.  He was older than I am normally attracted to but his profile was pretty clear about what he wanted. We talked about him being tied up and edged, and he discussed how much he enjoyed rimming. I gave him my email address and asked him to contact me by email which he did.

Email from tongue-fuck: hey tom here, tongue fuck, gdar, u wanted to tie me up edge and film me, im keen, where abouts are u

Email from Andrew:  Hey there, I live in the CBD. Diary is pretty hectic ATM but should have some time in a week or so. So I’m thinking you get hooded (nose up hood), I get into the sling and you rim me and then we switch and I tie you down as I slowly edge you – while filming it all for soxster.com. Sound good?

Email from tongue-fuck: yep sounds great

And that was that…I resolved to arrange to make a time to do a session with him when I had free time. I was rather looking forward to a session where I got rimmed and then got to edge someone – I hate getting fucked but who doesn’t love having their butt rimmed? But it had been a really busy few days.

I was dozing in bed with the light off just after 1.30am when my i-Pad gave an alert sound and lit up my darkened room. Because the Gaydar alert is the same as my message alert for i-message I fumbled next to the bed for my glasses and retrieved my i-Pad. I found the following Gaydar message:

Monday 6 January 2014 01:36 – tongue-fuck: when u edging me
Slightly annoyed I had been roused I resolved to deal with the message tomorrow (when I was actually awake) and turned the light back off again.

Ten minute later, the i-pad sounded again – and then again a few minutes later.

Sent: Monday 6 January 2014 01:46 – tongue-fuck: i emailed u. when are u edgine me
Sent: Monday 6 January 2014 01:52 – tongue-fuck: OI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  whats ya fuckin problem

I responded with a terse:

Sent: Monday 6 January 2014 01:53 – Andrew: It’s 2am and I’m trying to sleep – that’s my problem.

I put the iPad back on silent and headed to bed.

In the morning I found the following messages.

Sent: Monday 6 January 2014 01:56
tongue-fuck: well mate
whatya doin online?……..at 2 am
u promised to edge me
film me
etc etc
sent u my email
another gaydar liar yeh>?
Sent: Monday 6 January 2014 01:58
tongue-fuck: so…………..yr tryin to sleep while on a gay sex hookup site
thats quite a feat
quite an accomplishment
u shld try out for guiness book of records…
for the man who can multitask and talk bullshit at the same time


I think that one of the things that attracts me to BDSM is a concept of etiquette and respect. Those who have played with me will agree that I’m not the sort of person who uses bad language. You’ll never find me shouting “suck my cock bitch”. Part of the appeal for me is that subs are polite. They respect me and I certainly respect them. The act of submitting to a master is beautiful thing – and I genuinely respect the boys who do it – for their courage and ability to give in to the kinds of pleasures that most people can only dream of.

So that’s why I found his messages a little disturbing – it is about as far as you can get from the kind of BDSM I practice and the kinds of guys I prefer to play with in terms of attitude. I can’t imagine what is going through the mind of someone who would send those kind of messages. Overlooking the poor spelling and punctuation – they’re just filled with hostility and feelings of inadequacy.

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to let someone into their house who used the phrase “whats ya fuckin problem” . I’m not the world’s best speller – but even I can spell more than one in four words correctly.

I’m never going to let someone into my house who exercises such poor judgement online and has such a poor sense of self esteem that he assumes that if I don’t respond immediately to his messages that he must be being ignored.

It is hard to work out what disturbed me more – the hostility, the rudeness or the narcissistic belief that the world must revolve around him. Either way, I’m glad this happened so I don’t have to meet this person.

The sad thing is that this guy is probably lonely – his phrasing accusing me of being another “gaydar liar” implies that he has done this before. If he’s not having success on Gaydar then it’s probably because he isn’t prepared to put in the time to build a relationship with someone online before meeting them – or is so rude and abrupt that he drives people away.

Manners and respect matter a great deal – far more in BDSM than in life.